back to normal

it was a good weekend, y’all. a really, really good weekend. all our kids are home, and we’re all done with summer vacations and shuffling kids back and forth…now we can settle into the normal rhythm of life. and this new normal…gosh, the wonder of it all still takes my breath away some days.

i spent so much time being afraid that nobody would ever love the real me, that i was too much or too damaged, or maybe not enough. finding space and strength to be honest can be scary (terrifying, really), and the fallout from that honesty devastating. but here’s the thing…being honest about all the fear and the scary things is really the only way to break away from it all. and in breaking away from it all, you free yourself to find somebody who can love all of you – the too much parts and the not enough parts and all the other parts, too. and we’re all worthy of that kind of love.

xoxo, k

steady

steady me still
my bones
i will
make you feel
take you where
you can heal and
all the waiting we have done
the leaving we counted on
like the sun
the grief we carried for everyone
will come undone
rest at our feet
and like the shore
and sea we’ll meet
every good thing
we always knew
was waiting for us
i love you (i love you i love you)

Happy 23rd, everyone. It’s a beautiful day to be in Love.

-A

sweet 16

(edited to add: i know it’s the 24th now…we have a million kids and there aren’t enough hours in the day.)

today is the 16th 23rd since last march when the door opened and everything flipped upside down (or was it right side up?). it feels impossible that it was so many months ago because i remember it like it was yesterday, but also 16 months sounds impossibly short because i can barely remember a day i didn’t wake up completely in awe of her (there’s really nothing i love more than waking up next to her except maybe going to sleep with her) and this life we get to live.

i have all the words and all the feelings about all the things, but it’s monday and i’m tired and hungry, so here’s a picture and some links to previous 23rd posts:

the 6th

the 11th

the 11th, part 2

the 12th

the 12th, part 2

xoxo, k

let’s get real, shall we?

we’ve talked a lot about the leaving here in this little space, and i kind of hate it because this story is so much more than that. it is bigger than the people who are choosing to not be a part of it, and i want to start focusing on that. but first…

first i want to be really real about the kind of hurt we’ve experienced. some people have chosen to make quiet exits, and some have chosen to go loudly. either way, a common thread is that they want to absolve themselves of any guilt or wrongdoing. like they think we’re going to say, “no problem. we understand. no hard feelings…it was fun while it lasted.” i don’t know…maybe it’s a character flaw on my part that i can’t say that and just let it go that easily, but this heartbreak is like nothing i’ve ever experienced and i don’t think it’s reasonable for me to make this ok for anyone else. we all get to make our own choices, and there are people who chose to leave; i don’t understand it, but i can respect their right to choose.

what i can’t understand or respect is this:

people who love jesus and still can’t won’t even try. family members (FAMILY!) who want to sit in church on sunday mornings, raise their hands in worship, hang crosses and bible verses in their house and still refuse to even try. this happened today and my heart hurts so much.

if you can’t even try, don’t want to even meet this new family…well, that’s a choice you are free to make. but make it and walk away. own your decision. take responsibility for the hurt you are causing. acknowledge the heartbreak. it’s been a year and a half of roller coaster emotions with this particular person…at first she wanted to try, then she didn’t, then she stopped communicating, then she tried, and now this.

i can’t get behind a jesus who would advocate treating people this way, and i don’t understand this choice. i think about our kids as adults…about what it would take for me to say, “i can’t…it’s too hard.” and i literally can’t think of one single thing, cannot imagine ever saying, “you are my daughter, but i cannot be involved with your new family because it’s too hard.”

i’m so thankful that this is not the focus of our story…that we have more important things to focus on and that we are finding people who love us unconditionally. but i do think it needs to be acknowledged: seen and heard for what it is. i loved this woman like a mother, and it has been heartbreaking to not get to share this journey with her…all the love and the healing, the joy and the absolute magic. i hate that she isn’t getting to see how her granddaughters have blossomed, how happy they are, how free and accepted they feel.

the pain is real. and so is the healing. and in their own ways, both bring beauty to this crazy life. i’m grateful for all of it…and for all of you.

xoxo, k